If you still have never used a bidet, you’re on the verge of something life changing. Just the fact that you’re starting to look into trying a bidet tells me you’re an adventurous person. My hope is the below information will propel you to take the leap and try out a bidet.

What should you expect the first time you use a bidet? The first time you use a bidet you will probably be a little anxious. It will be hard to relax and it may even be a little uncomfortable until you get the water pressure and position right. When its over you’ll be feeling clean and curious for the next visit to the commode.

Since we got our bidet toilet seat we’ve had lots of family members experience a bidet for the first time. Some of them enjoyed it more than others but almost all of them experienced some level of enjoyment. I can only think of one family member who said they felt violated and refused to use it again… and they’ve used it multiple times since then.

Below is a little more about what to expect on your first experience with a bidet.

Hot seat

The first thing you’re likely to experience is a heated seat. Most of the new bidet toilet seats have the ability to heat the seat. Spoiler alert… you’re going to love the heated seat. It’s more comfortable than you think it is as you read this. Before you sit on the seat, find out if the seat has heating capabilities and make sure its turned on.

Making the deposit

Once you’ve gotten comfortable on that heated seat, everything else is pretty much the same as any other toilet seat until you get to the “paperwork”. You need to use this time to do two important things.

First and foremost, if this bidet has the ability to heat the water, make sure that the heater is turned on. You do not want your first bidet experience to be with cold water. We’ve had a few times where one of the kids messed around with the remote and turned off the heater. Maybe it was a trick, maybe it was an honest mistake. Who’s to say, but I can tell you it is a little less than pleasant.

Second, you should use this time to study up on any instructions that came with the bidet. Our bidet came with a one page quick reference guide with a list of all the features and instructions for using the remote. We make sure to keep it handy for visitors who want to test drive the bidet.

Starting the wash cycle

OK here’s where things get interesting. You’re done making your deposit and it’s time to clean up and get one with your day. Go ahead and push the button that starts the water spraying. If you have the ability to turn the water pressure down, do it immediately. You’ll want to start with low pressure and then dial it up gradually. If you start off at full power you might experience a little pucker factor.

Once you’ve built up a little “bidet toughness” you can start the bidet at full strength if that’s where you like it. But for a first timer, I always recommend starting at low pressure.

The thing you really want to do is just relax during the wash cycle. It took me a few times to really relax. You’re going to want to pucker. But you need to force yourself to relax. If you pucker up too much the water can’t achieve full washing efficiency. Find a happy place and enjoy the experience.

Getting to know the nozzle

Now that you’re over the pucker factor, its time to play with the remote. Use it to start moving that nozzle around. The first thing you should try is putting the nozzle in osculating mode. This makes the nozzle rotate side to side. Basically it’s going to clean a wider swath of your central canyon. In my opinion this is the only way to wash. Give it a whirl and see what you think.

Next you should start moving that water nozzle around. Don’t be shy. Move that nozzle forward and backward. You’ll be surprised how much different it is when you move the nozzle around. You’ll know when you’re getting too close to the front or too far to the rear. You can always bring it back to center. Moving the nozzle around is key to getting a really clean badonkadonk.

Drying off

You’ve finished the wash cycle now. If you’re still getting to know the nozzle then feel free to do another wash cycle. This last step can wait. But if you’re done with the washing, then lets proceed to the drying.

Most of the modern bidet toilet seats have a blow dryer built into it. Personally I think this is a waste of time. But since this is your first time lets try it. Go ahead and push the button to start the air flow. This isn’t very exciting. At most it might tickle a little, but it’s not really going to dry you to the point that you’re ready to pull your pants up and be done.

You’re probably going to need to grab a little toilet paper and pat yourself dry. As you dry off, the toilet paper should be clean. If you’re getting anything but clean paper, you likely had an impressive BM. I’d suggest you go back and do another wash cycle.

Once you’re dry, you’re done with your maiden voyage on the bidet. Go ahead and zip up your pants, wash your hands, and then walk out of the bathroom with a big smile on your face. If you’re crying as you walk out of the bathroom, you’ve done something wrong! 🙂

One other thing

One last thing you may notice on your first BM on a bidet is less smell. Many of the newer bidet toilet seats have an odor suppression feature. The way it works is there’s a small fan underneath the toilet seat. It pulls air above the water into the toilet seat and somehow exercises the daemons from your stink. It isn’t perfect, and after a big bowl of chili the little fan may not be able to keep up. But generally this feature does a pretty good job of suppressing the smell.

Bottom line

Don’t be afraid of the bidet. Give it a shot and it will change your life. The only caution I have for you is that once you get used to a bidet, it’s going to be hard to go to the bathroom without a bidet for the rest of your life. Good luck. I’d love to hear your thoughts below after your first bidet experience. Use an alias if you’d like.