Whenever I tell people that I use a bidet, by far the most common question I get is, “don’t bidets splash everywhere.”

Do bidets splash water and poop everywhere? Bidets do not splash everywhere. Most modern bidet toilet seats provide a very accurate and repeatable stream of pressurized water right where you need it. In addition, many bidet toilet seats provide an adjustable water nozzle so you can optimize the location of the jet.

How wet does your backside really get

In my experience, its really just your “center-line” that gets wet. The water doesn’t really deviate from this center-line. My bidet has an oscilating feature. This feature does cause the stream of water to go slightly wider. But it still stays essentially within the fanny canyon.

My bidet also allows me to move the jet stream north and south. By “north and south” I mean from way back, all the way to the front. This is all accomplished with a remote control. If I move the nozzel too far to the back it feels like water is going to shoot up my back. But it never has.

When I move the jet to far forward it just basically feels like I’m washing something that doesn’t need washing. So I keep the nozzle somewhere in between the extremes. By doing this, the water stays where I want it and it makes clean up pretty simple.

Doesn’t poop get splashed all over the place

OK, now we’re getting personal. It depends on a couple of things. First is what kind of bowel movement you made. If it was a good solid BM, the kind that you probably don’t even need to wipe afterwards, then no, poop won’t get splashed all over. There’s nothing to splash

If it was a BM that was lacking in integrity, meaning it was dierhea, then you may see some splashing of feces around the toilet bowl above the water line. But it has been my experience that through the miracle of the bidet, the poop doesn’t get splashed on my keester. It all ends up in the toilet. I’m telling you, they’ve got some of the best and brightest engineers in the bidet business. And I’m grateful for it!

There’s one other time where you may see poop being splashed around in the toilet. This is getting really personal now… you know those times where you’re done pooping but it kind of feels like you didn’t get everything out? That’s usually because you didn’t. On these occasions when you start the bidet wash cycle, somehow it stimulates the release of what I like to call “latent poop”©. (Yes I’m copyrighting that phrase because it’s accurate and hilarious!)

As the latent poop is released, it is immediately blasted by the jet stream and gets splashed around the bowl. It may sound gross, and I guess to a certain extent it is, but it’s also one of the things I enjoy most about the bidet. I like feeling like I got everything out. I hate leaving the bathroom when it feels like I may have to go right back in.

What if I stand up when the water is still spraying

Most bidet toilet seats have a sensor built into them that tells it when someone is no longer sitting down. Personally I haven’t attempted to stand up before a wash cycle ends. My guess is that it would continue to spray for a little bit before the sensor told the unit to shut off.

If I need to get up mid-wash, my bidet has an emergency stop button built into it. So in the rare event that I need to get going before the wash cycle ends, I just push the E-stop button.

How long does it take to dry off

Drying off takes almost no time at all. Most of the time it’s just one wipe or a few pats and I’m dry. It’s not nearly as difficult as you might think it would be. Most people have imagined in their minds that water goes everywhere and it would be difficult to get their derriere dry. But in reality it doesn’t take much to dry off.

Truth be told, if I include the wash cycle, it probably takes just slightly longer to do my post-BM business with a bidet than without one. But I don’t have to do much of anything while the bidet is running. So, actual hands on time is much lower with a bidet. No question about that!

Can you adjust the amount of water that is sprayed

It depends on the model of bidet toilet seat you have. Most of the bidets I’ve tried do have the ability to dial the pressure up or down to your comfort level. I keep mine as high as it will go. The more power the better for me. My wife tends to turn hers down a bit. But just like Goldy Locks, if you get a halfway decent bidet toilet seat, you should be able to get the water pressure “just right”.

Will your underwear get wet when you pull your pants up

As long as you’ve pulled your pants down before sitting on the toilet, your underwear shouldn’t get wet when using a bidet. It certainly won’t get wet while the bidet wash cycle is happening. The only way my underwear has gotten even slightly wet is if I was in a hurry to dry off and didn’t really do a thorough job. Let’s say this… if your underwear is consistently getting wet when you start using a bidet, you’re doing something wrong.

Doesn’t the blow dryer on the bidet do a good job of drying you off

OK this is what I thought was going to happen when we bought our fancy little bidet toilet seat. It comes equipped with a fan that is supposed to come on after the wash cycle and dry your backside. But this does not work. It may be decent at a pre-dry. It seems like some of the water does get blown off my incredibly clean heinie, but it’s no where close to being dry enough to just pull my pants up when it’s through.

I’ll write more about this in another blog post, but if there was one feature on my bidet toilet seat that could quit working and I wouldn’t care, it would absolutely be the dryer. I don’t hardly ever use it because it hardly does anything. Do not make a bidet purchasing decision based on the drying feature.

I’ve tried other, more expensive models of bidet toilet seats and the drying fan on them seams to do even less than mine does. It’s just not realistic to think that a small fan could do an adequate job of drying your central canyon. You’re going to need a little paper work to finish the job!

How long does a wash cycle take

The short answer is “not that long”. Mine goes for about 60 seconds. But on occasion I’ll run it through a second wash cycle. Not for fun, but because for some reason I get the feeling that one cycle just wasn’t enough on this particular occasion.

Honestly, these days, I’m usually on my phone when I’m on my throne. Binge watching something or reading something. When we first got the bidet, I would start to put my phone down so I could get some toilet paper after making my offering to the porcelain god. And then I would remember that we bought a bidet.

Then I’d simply push the button on the remote and enjoy another 60 seconds of looking at whatever was on my phone. I’ve come to really enjoy the serenity of those 60 seconds. When it’s been a really rough day at the office I sometimes wish it could take longer.

The “Bottom Line”

If you’re waffling about getting a bidet toilet seat because you’re worried it’s going to splash all over, stop worrying about it and just get one. You will not regret it. And you won’t end up walking around with a damp crotch. You’ll likely need to use a small amount of toilet paper to pat yourself dry down there. But it’s going to take you about 10 seconds and then you can walk out of that bathroom feeling cleaner than when you went in!