If you’re reading this there’s a good chance you’re reading it on the toilet, unable to poop.  Or you’ve spent some time recently struggling to poop and you’re wondering if a bidet might just be able to get the poo poo chew chew train moving again.

Can a bidet help you to poop when you’re constipated?  A bidet can be helpful in stimulating the rectum to produce a bowel movement.  Most bidet toilet seats produce enough water pressure to create some parastaltic action when directed at your bottom.

It might take some practice to make this happen, but I promise you this works.  Below I’m going to outline everything you need to know but would probably never be comfortable asking.

Get Comfortable

The first thing you need to do is get comfortable on the toilet seat.  Find a time when you’re not in a hurry.  If you’re tense and anxious you’re probably not going to have success.  Get a good magazine or stream your favorite show if you like to binge watch something while you poop.  Whatever it takes… just get comfortable and don’t stress out about this.

Ready… aim… fire

Now that you’re relaxed, it’s time to take aim and get to it.  First of all, make sure you’ve got the water temperature turned up.  You do not want to attempt this with cold water!  That’s not going to stimulate anything except you tensing up and not pooping.

Start the flow of water through the bidet nozzle.  What you want to do is get that water jet hitting right on your poop shoot (yes… your anus, butt hole, whatever you want to call it.). If you have a fancy bidet seat with a remote that moves the nozzle forward and back, this should be pretty easy. 

If you don’t have a bidet with an adjustable nozzle, you’re going to have to move yourself.  Make small adjustments on the seat until you’re getting hit where you need it.  You might find it helpful to rotate your hips a few degrees left or right.  For some reason certain peoples anatomy is such that this helps (I’m one of those people.) 

If I sit strait on my seat I don’t get the full force of the water jet.  But if I rotate just a few degrees to the right (move my knees to the right) then it feels like the water jet gets a lot more powerful.  So move around a little bit and make sure you’re getting all the power you can from your bidet.

Oscillation if you have it

A popular feature on many bidet seats is an oscilating nozzle.  If you have that feature you should try it for what you’re trying to accomplish.  It really helps in my humble opinion.  I don’t think it’s critical, but it is helpful.

If you don’t have oscilation, you might try aeration if you’re seat has that.  This is a feature that introduces air bubbles into the stream of water coming out of the nozzle.  It has the effect of making it feel like the water pressure is turned up.  This can be helpful as well.

Relax again

Now that you’ve got water shooting up your but, it’s probably a good time to remind you to relax.  This is when the magic happens.  It isn’t easy at first, but you have to focus on relaxing.  It’s going to feel like you’re being violated at first, and you kind of are.  But remember it’s just warm water and maybe a little air.  It’s not going to do any damage to your precious posterior.  Take a deep breath and let those butt muscles relax. 

Turn it Off

If you’re doing this right, you should start pooping within 5 – 10 seconds once the water starts violating you.  And once you feel like you’re starting to poop you’ll want to turn the water off.  If poop is trying to come out, you don’t want to fight it by spraying water in. 

Also, you’ll find that if you are spraying water at the same time that poop is coming out, poop starts to fly all over that toilet bowl.  You’ll have lots of little poop splatters all over the tank.  It’s not really a big deal but you can avoid it by turning the water off pretty quick.

Finish up as normal

OK that’s pretty much all there is to it.  It’s time now to just turn that bidet ON and clean up shop like you normally would.  You’re work here is done!  Hopefully this gets things moving through your system like normal again.  If not, you are now a bidet enema expert and you can teach all your family and friends to find relief from constipation. 

Other Tricks

If you haven’t tried this already, try eating a lot of fiber, or take a fiber supplement.  There are a lot of options to choose from.  A quick stroal through your local pharmacy will expose you to a bunch of possible fiber options.  Or check out Amazon and read the reviews.  They are likely to be helpful as well as potentially hilarious.

One other thing you can try to help this work is to put one foot on top of your other leg’s knee.  For example, lift your left foot and place it on your right knee.  This tends to align your rectum a little better and help with bowel movements.  The only problem is that it take a fair amount of flexibility.  Probably not doable for some people.  If you can do it great.  If you can’t, try simply crossing your feet on the floor.  Even this little adjustment can help align things a little more.

Should You See a Doctor About Constipation

I am clearly not a doctor.  I’m simply a guy who’s passionate about bathrooms.  So I should be the last guy to take medical advice from.  But I’ll give some advice anyway…

Most everyone experiences constipation at various times in their life.  Lots of things can cause constipation.  So 99% of the time I’d think there’s no reason to seek medical attention for constipation. 

However, I have an uncle who suffered from colon cancer and eventually passed away from it.  The first symptom he had that caused him to seek a colonoscopy was that he would often feel like he needed to poop but nothing would happen.  This would happen daily for him and it went on for weeks.  By the time he went in to his doctor, the cancer had already spread.

So if you’re noticing a sudden and sustained change in your bowel movement patterns you might make a call and talk to your doctor.  If nothing else, it will give you a chance to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation with another human being.  And who doesn’t want that?